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Tuesday, 3 July 2012
Issue One Rewrite

It starts with Bill/Jess having the same conversation (can't wait to get a break from me/you're beautiful on the outside). We establish they are doing some sort of mission for a queen. Roll right into the son driving the ship. He says hes avoiding the rocks. Bill see its not rocks its roofs. He explains pre asteroid, pre robots people lived in cities. Kid is doubtful. Bill decided to take the boys on a small boat field trip to show them their heritage. Jess is worried, especailly when she sees zombies on the roof. He says its only sleepers, not leapers. Slow not fast zombies, so its a good chnce for them to learn zombie 101 and practice on them. On the small boat trip across they have a brief flashback to meeting the queen. We see that Bill is getting some sort of treasure for her but we don't reveal its candy yet. On the roof we learn more about zombies and the kids practice killing a few. They go down to the top floor to pilfer. The window is halfway underwater. Through this Bill sees the sub just below the surface between them and the ship. Worried about Jess he realizes he needs to get back to the ship. Suddenly a robot rises from the rubble activated by their movement. They break the window to flood the floor and run for it. Robot chases them to the roof. Now on the roof he can call Jess with his radio but the robot can also transmit to call in reinforcements. He tells Jess to bring the ship alongside, screw the newly finished hull work. However Jess is busy because the zombie mutiny has started. She brings the ship along side while she fights leaper zombies. Bill and the boys dodge the robot attacks by weaving in between sleeper zombies. He blinds the robot with zombie guts and Jess' brother, "Uncle Rowsdauer" shoots the cannon right at the robot, crippling it. Bill goes to the robot and secures its power core/transmitter (this will be used later) Back onboard he confronts the culprit and chops off his leg. I think I still want a patrol craft to fly over (everyone look non threatening). Bill and Jess argue a little over whose fault this is.  We learn the sub is SS Dick Punch of the Shit Storm pirate fleet. The issue ends with the sub surfaced ready to board the Exodus.





Posted by frankandjane at 9:20 AM EDT
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Tuesday, 3 July 2012 - 10:32 AM EDT

Name: franktic
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I think bill should explain the zombies and robots, but the first encounter with both should be a surprise and shocking.  If they see them on the roofs...I don't think they would go onto that building.  I think it should be a necessity to go to the building because t hey are critically low on something.  Then they find a small "nest".  I do like the sentry robot rising from the rubble.  The windows of a skyscraper are pretty burly, and (as stated) they can go one to MAYBE two floors below waterline.  But below that, I'm almost certain the water pressure will break even the stoutest of normal glass (unless it's transparent aluminum, or you're equalizing pressure WITH THE OCEAN....LOL, sorry still funny).  Still think Jess should be the one to shoot the saving round, Uncle Rowsdower should be part of the away team (perhaps you can build some interfamily tension...maybe he can get eaten...springing the sleepers into action)  Make the building adventure very dark and scary.  Think "I am legend" and when he goes into the building after the dog.  Still think the OTHER zombie mutiny on Exodus is too much (since the reader is not going to know what is there are other zombies, and on the ship???)  Don't like the sub through the glass, and unless this is an extended issue, where the zombie mutiny onboard happens after their escape from the building.  Summary:

 Likes:  Building entry;  Building Zombie attack, Sentry bot rising in the lower floors;  Saving Bill with a single shot by Exodus;  Flashback to the queen; Including Uncle Rowsdower; Breaking glass to escape the robot; explaination between leapers and sleepers (that's cool!)


Dislikes:  Sub, sub, sub, sub and the exodus zombie mutiny (something about this really is rubbing me....I'm just imagining "reading" this as a typical person...and getting soooo confused for a starting issue)  maybe if it's an extended issue; zombies on roof;  

 My final comment:  PLEASE give me an example of a first issue in comic books (online or not) that I can check out to understand if this type of multi-aspect introduction is typical (I honestly don't know).  I use to read Alien comic books back in the day...and even the most action packed one was pretty linear and there was build up, a single climax, and a single frame of reference (didn't jump to another story plot that new readers couldn't figure out).  Again...hook...not harpoon.  Tinnman had good story progression and character development (with good climatic battle scenes), DRC was suppose to be crazy (tough in cheek) action and scenarios.....THIS should be dark and moody (Like 300 or Walking Dead)....and I say that as a watcher of Movies/TV and not a comic book I'm may be really F'ed up! 

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