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« September 2012 »
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Triplepocalypse
Tuesday, 11 September 2012
Issue One

 

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30


Posted by frankandjane at 12:53 AM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, 11 September 2012 10:59 PM EDT
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Tuesday, 11 September 2012 - 11:12 AM EDT

Name: franktic
Home Page: http://franktic.tripod.com

Dig it!  However, you ventured off script a bit...and here are some comments:

Page 7)  The dingy is lowering, but we don't know it is....there needs to be a panel showing it lowering or a profile shot with Jess and Bill arguing with the party in the dingy and Jess to the other side next to exodus' rail.  When the dingy is shown splashing down to the surface, bill's axe is on his back...he needs to be holding onto the side (wobbly..since he just fell some) with his axe in hand and a couple severed ropes flying everywhere.  A couple blocks (pulleys) and hooks would make it look good too.

Page 10)  Jeb walking into the other room he says "Lets have a look"  Should be something like "Let's see what's in here" or just "what's in here?"

Page 13)  Make the panel with Bill decending the hole on the left, then the kids talking about the gun on the right (once bill's away)

Lot's of spelling errors with the conversation with Winchester:  "an" should be "and"  and "haven" should be "haven't"

Page 14)  Should be "You ever hear of Shitstorrrr.......arrrgh!"

Page 16)  "he's no longer with us" should be "He's gone!"  and Winchester is mispelled

Page 17)  don't like "nuts"

Page 18)  Jeb needs to be the main focus on the panel after he cuts the zombie's head...since he's so scared, and can't believe what he just did.  Bill's "everyone together" can come from off scene.

 

Page 21)  Jess shouldn't mention Winchester....I realize she probably figured out what happened, but it was never told to her, so mentioning it is confusing.  

Page 23)  Needs a panel with Bill's fist grabing a sleeper or something...great panel of it being harpooned, but where did it come from

Page 24)  Jess formulated the backup of the cannon shot after she saw the zombies on the roof...just in case shit hits the fan...it does, and SHE should yell out..."Now!"  Bill didn't know the cannon was loaded, and they wouldn't just keep it loaded...since old cannons like that would never fire after the powder is exposed of a certain amount of time.  Jess making them load it and keep it ready just in case after seeing the sleepers on the roof is cooler.

 

 

That's it...but good stuff 

Tuesday, 11 September 2012 - 12:02 PM EDT

Name: franktic
Home Page: http://franktic.tripod.com

OH...and on Page 1...why is the Queen crossing her arms on the bottom....never cover up the titties!

Tuesday, 11 September 2012 - 12:44 PM EDT

Name: franktic
Home Page: http://franktic.tripod.com

Oh...and another thing...page 2)  The middle panel where the queen in bending down toward the treasure....this need to be a closer shot...perhaps from the back...with a nice ass shot

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